Scare

On Thursday I was in Andalulsia Alabama visiting with some customers. Right as our meeting was about to end, I felt a gush of warm liquid coming out of me (from down there). I got up and ran to the bathroom and I was soaked with blood. There was a woman in the bathroom and I told her the situation and she told me I should go to the ER. She also went out and got rid of my customers who were probably very concerned and confused at that point (I had blood running down my legs and it was all over the chair I had been sitting in).

I drove to the regional hospital and was quickly admitted to the ER. How lucky am I that no one was waiting? I called my doctor on the way and described what had happened. My doctor wasn't available but my nurse confirmed that I should go to the ER. Once I got settled in to the exam room, a nurse came in to tell me that a woman from Powersouth (the company I was visiting) was there to see me. She came in and it was the lady from the bathroom. Her name was Carol and she ended up staying with me for the whole time. She was a total angel.

The first thing they did was give me an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. This was so incredibly scary because I knew that it was a pretty bad sign that I had bled as much as I did. The ultra sound tech took forever before she finally said anything, and I couldn't see the screen so I was incredibly nervous. Then I heard a heartbeat and I was so relieved. Then she moved to the other baby and I heard a heartbeat there too. The heartbeats were at 151 and 169 bpm, faster than last week which is a good sign because they are supposed to increase in speed. I was so stinking relieved!

Then I had to go back to the exam room to get a pelvic exam to make sure my cervix hadn't opened. I had to wait 2 hours before they did that, but fortunately they finally did the exam and everything was ok. My doctor called them and the ER attending physician wanted to speak to him before they released me. They spoke and determined everything was fine. Then I spoke to my doctor on the phone and he told me that the ER doctor was an idiot - knew nothing about obstetrics (which I had already concluded by this point). However, the ultra sound was great and that made him feel good.

He said that this is more common in twin pregnancies. He suspects what happens is that one of the embryos partially detached from the uterine wall which caused a lot of blood to be shed all at once. Since there were still heartbeats then likely everything is perfectly ok. However, he didn't want me flying home. So, Forrest flew out to Montgomery that night and he and I drove my rental car home (12 hours - OMG!!).

So that's my scary story. The angel who stayed at the hospital with me told my customers about what had happened the next day (I gave her permission). Of course they called me first thing to check on me and to tell me that they wished they had known at the time, but appreciated that it was highly awkward. Unfortunately I think they'll have to get rid of the chair I was sitting in. Isn't that every 12 year old girl's worst nightmare? That she's going to get her period and it's going to show? Well, this was more than a period....it was like someone poured 2-3 cups of blood out of me all at once. When we got home Forrest asked to see my pants, and of course the blood stain was all the way up the back of the butt almost to the waist band. He held me and said how sorry he was that I had to experience that.

It was one of the worst experiences of my life because I was so afraid that I had lost the babies. Poor Forrest and my family were all terribly upset also. It was good that Forrest could hop on a plane and get out there because I know he wouldn't have been able to just sit at home.

I have another sonogram scheduled for Tuesday with my IVF doctor and I'm crossing my fingers that everything is still ok.

Phoebe Buffay

Today I'm in Hattiesburg. I had a meeting that ended at about 3:00 and then I checked in to my favorite hotel here. To pass the time I turned on the tv and found an episode of Friends. It was the one where Phoebe becomes a surrogate for her brother and sister-in-law. I was really entertained by how IVF is portrayed on tv. The episode started with Phoebe going to the doctor to see if she was "ready" to get the embryos. Once at the doctor's office, the doctor declared that Phoebe's endometrial lining was thick enough, so they were ready to move forward with the embryo transfer. The doctor announced that they'd be transferring 5 embryos, which concerned Phoebe, but then the doctor told Phoebe that with the 5 embryos, she only had about a 25% chance of getting pregnant. Phoebe then reassured her brother and sister in law that even though the odds weren't good, she'd keep doing it until it worked. Her brother then informed her that the procedure cost $16,000 and that they could afford to do it only once. Phoebe went home after the procedure and immediately took a pregnancy test. She knew that it took a couple of days before the pregnancy "set in" but since her body "moves faster than most" she decided to test immediately. It was negative. The next day her brother and sister in law came over with another test and asked her to take it, which she did. Fortunately this time it was positive. They were all overcome with joy and I couldn't help but tear up. First of all, this is definitely a simplified version of how IVF works. It's so much more complicated and scripted than that. The timing of the implantation is dependent on both the woman's endometrial lining and the age of the embryos. Both have to be just right. Also, it takes at least 9 days after the transfer before the hormone can be detected. Another distinction...I'm not sure when that episode was filmed, but I'm guessing it was in the late 90's. My odds of success were much higher than that and they only transferred 2 embryos. Of course, success rates vary around several factors including age, quality of embryos, and condition of the mother's uterus. Still, I can't imagine that Phoebe's odds of success would have been that much lower than mine, since most surrogate are chosen because of they are deemed to be good hosts. In this case, Phoebe was chosen because she was related to the couple, but still I would assume that they'd want to qualify her to determine that she's a good surrogate. Despite the descrepancies, the end result was just the same. The expectant parents were full of hope and fear when waiting to find out if the procedure had worked. They had endured so much heartache to get to that point, and as they said "all of their eggs were in one basket." They were overcome with joy and gratitude just like we were when they found out.

Day 8

Today is Day 8, meaning it's 8 days after I had the embryo transfer. Tomorrow is Day 9, which is important because that's the day we find out if the IVF attempt worked. I have to go in and give blood. They'll do what they call a "beta test" on my blood sample and will determine if I'm pregnant.

On Day 0, the day of the transfer, I felt really hopeful and optimistic. My friend M who is currently pregnant from her first IVF attempt told me that I can spend the next 9 days worrying that I'm not pregnant, and for that matter I could spend the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy worrying that I'll miscarry, but in the end I'll just be robbing myself of days that I could be enjoying my pregnancy. If I find out on Day 9 that I'm not pregnant, then I'll be disappointed regardless of how hopeful I had chosen to feel before.

That was good advice, and during days 0 - 6, I felt really good and was confident that I was pregnant. M keeps saying that she is already claiming this victory for me - that she is already enjoying God's blessing on my behalf. I was just about there.

And then Day 7 hit, and the doubting began. Day 7 was completely disasterous because I broke the cardinal rule on the 2WW (that's infertility talk for "two week wait", the time in between the egg retrieval and finding out if it worked). The cardinal rule is this: Don't take a home pregnancy test. The doctor said that they are completely inaccurate because of all the medicines I've been taking. Regardless of if you get a positive or a negative, that means nothing and will only cause stress. But by Day 7, I was desperate, so I hid out in our guest bathroom (so that Forrest wouldn't know) and I took the test.

And it was negative.

I have been a nervous nilly ever since. Before the test, I had confidence and hope. After the test, a big part of me feels resigned that it's going to be "no". The whole time I was performing the test, I could hear God saying "NO NO NO, don't do this!" I know it doesn't really mean anything, but that doesn't change the fear that is now in my heart.

I'm now attempting to regain hope and confidence, and to claim this victory that God has given me. But now that I've tested and seen, it's hard to go back.

I'm writing all of this because I just got off the phone with my sister L who suggested I start a blog. She knows I'm discouraged but doesn't know why. She is supremely hopeful that I am pregnant right now. She has kept a blog ever since her first daughter was born, and it has been such a joy to all of us to get to read it and see pictures of her daughters. She said I should start one tonight because it would be nice for the first entry to be of me "not knowing".

So, I'm starting this blog. It might just be one post, because tomorrow I may find out that I'm not pregnant. But there's also the chance that tomorrow I find out that I am pregnant. This could be the start of years of blogging about my precious baby.

To you, blogging universe, I'll commit to updating this tomorrow, Day 9 and posting the result.

To you, dear God, I am in a bad place, and I know you know it. My heart is breaking because I took that test and now I'm discouraged. Lord, I know that you are in control of this whole process and this could very well be the eve of some very exciting news. You could be revealing more of your plan to us. Regardless of the outcome, I know you'll be revealing a bit more of your plan. I'm so hopeful that the plan intails me being pregnant RIGHT NOW with our first baby. However, if the plan is that there will still be more waiting than I desire, please give me peace about that too. I trust you with my family, and I trust you'll do the best for me. Just help me accept your plan, whatever that may be.

And Lord, if you see fit to give me a miracle, please make me pregnant.

Lord, please heal the infertility of the people on my list. You know who they are. Ease their pain in the wait, and give them confidence in the plans you have for them.