Phoebe Buffay

Today I'm in Hattiesburg. I had a meeting that ended at about 3:00 and then I checked in to my favorite hotel here. To pass the time I turned on the tv and found an episode of Friends. It was the one where Phoebe becomes a surrogate for her brother and sister-in-law. I was really entertained by how IVF is portrayed on tv. The episode started with Phoebe going to the doctor to see if she was "ready" to get the embryos. Once at the doctor's office, the doctor declared that Phoebe's endometrial lining was thick enough, so they were ready to move forward with the embryo transfer. The doctor announced that they'd be transferring 5 embryos, which concerned Phoebe, but then the doctor told Phoebe that with the 5 embryos, she only had about a 25% chance of getting pregnant. Phoebe then reassured her brother and sister in law that even though the odds weren't good, she'd keep doing it until it worked. Her brother then informed her that the procedure cost $16,000 and that they could afford to do it only once. Phoebe went home after the procedure and immediately took a pregnancy test. She knew that it took a couple of days before the pregnancy "set in" but since her body "moves faster than most" she decided to test immediately. It was negative. The next day her brother and sister in law came over with another test and asked her to take it, which she did. Fortunately this time it was positive. They were all overcome with joy and I couldn't help but tear up. First of all, this is definitely a simplified version of how IVF works. It's so much more complicated and scripted than that. The timing of the implantation is dependent on both the woman's endometrial lining and the age of the embryos. Both have to be just right. Also, it takes at least 9 days after the transfer before the hormone can be detected. Another distinction...I'm not sure when that episode was filmed, but I'm guessing it was in the late 90's. My odds of success were much higher than that and they only transferred 2 embryos. Of course, success rates vary around several factors including age, quality of embryos, and condition of the mother's uterus. Still, I can't imagine that Phoebe's odds of success would have been that much lower than mine, since most surrogate are chosen because of they are deemed to be good hosts. In this case, Phoebe was chosen because she was related to the couple, but still I would assume that they'd want to qualify her to determine that she's a good surrogate. Despite the descrepancies, the end result was just the same. The expectant parents were full of hope and fear when waiting to find out if the procedure had worked. They had endured so much heartache to get to that point, and as they said "all of their eggs were in one basket." They were overcome with joy and gratitude just like we were when they found out.

Day 8

Today is Day 8, meaning it's 8 days after I had the embryo transfer. Tomorrow is Day 9, which is important because that's the day we find out if the IVF attempt worked. I have to go in and give blood. They'll do what they call a "beta test" on my blood sample and will determine if I'm pregnant.

On Day 0, the day of the transfer, I felt really hopeful and optimistic. My friend M who is currently pregnant from her first IVF attempt told me that I can spend the next 9 days worrying that I'm not pregnant, and for that matter I could spend the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy worrying that I'll miscarry, but in the end I'll just be robbing myself of days that I could be enjoying my pregnancy. If I find out on Day 9 that I'm not pregnant, then I'll be disappointed regardless of how hopeful I had chosen to feel before.

That was good advice, and during days 0 - 6, I felt really good and was confident that I was pregnant. M keeps saying that she is already claiming this victory for me - that she is already enjoying God's blessing on my behalf. I was just about there.

And then Day 7 hit, and the doubting began. Day 7 was completely disasterous because I broke the cardinal rule on the 2WW (that's infertility talk for "two week wait", the time in between the egg retrieval and finding out if it worked). The cardinal rule is this: Don't take a home pregnancy test. The doctor said that they are completely inaccurate because of all the medicines I've been taking. Regardless of if you get a positive or a negative, that means nothing and will only cause stress. But by Day 7, I was desperate, so I hid out in our guest bathroom (so that Forrest wouldn't know) and I took the test.

And it was negative.

I have been a nervous nilly ever since. Before the test, I had confidence and hope. After the test, a big part of me feels resigned that it's going to be "no". The whole time I was performing the test, I could hear God saying "NO NO NO, don't do this!" I know it doesn't really mean anything, but that doesn't change the fear that is now in my heart.

I'm now attempting to regain hope and confidence, and to claim this victory that God has given me. But now that I've tested and seen, it's hard to go back.

I'm writing all of this because I just got off the phone with my sister L who suggested I start a blog. She knows I'm discouraged but doesn't know why. She is supremely hopeful that I am pregnant right now. She has kept a blog ever since her first daughter was born, and it has been such a joy to all of us to get to read it and see pictures of her daughters. She said I should start one tonight because it would be nice for the first entry to be of me "not knowing".

So, I'm starting this blog. It might just be one post, because tomorrow I may find out that I'm not pregnant. But there's also the chance that tomorrow I find out that I am pregnant. This could be the start of years of blogging about my precious baby.

To you, blogging universe, I'll commit to updating this tomorrow, Day 9 and posting the result.

To you, dear God, I am in a bad place, and I know you know it. My heart is breaking because I took that test and now I'm discouraged. Lord, I know that you are in control of this whole process and this could very well be the eve of some very exciting news. You could be revealing more of your plan to us. Regardless of the outcome, I know you'll be revealing a bit more of your plan. I'm so hopeful that the plan intails me being pregnant RIGHT NOW with our first baby. However, if the plan is that there will still be more waiting than I desire, please give me peace about that too. I trust you with my family, and I trust you'll do the best for me. Just help me accept your plan, whatever that may be.

And Lord, if you see fit to give me a miracle, please make me pregnant.

Lord, please heal the infertility of the people on my list. You know who they are. Ease their pain in the wait, and give them confidence in the plans you have for them.