Day 8

Today is Day 8, meaning it's 8 days after I had the embryo transfer. Tomorrow is Day 9, which is important because that's the day we find out if the IVF attempt worked. I have to go in and give blood. They'll do what they call a "beta test" on my blood sample and will determine if I'm pregnant.

On Day 0, the day of the transfer, I felt really hopeful and optimistic. My friend M who is currently pregnant from her first IVF attempt told me that I can spend the next 9 days worrying that I'm not pregnant, and for that matter I could spend the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy worrying that I'll miscarry, but in the end I'll just be robbing myself of days that I could be enjoying my pregnancy. If I find out on Day 9 that I'm not pregnant, then I'll be disappointed regardless of how hopeful I had chosen to feel before.

That was good advice, and during days 0 - 6, I felt really good and was confident that I was pregnant. M keeps saying that she is already claiming this victory for me - that she is already enjoying God's blessing on my behalf. I was just about there.

And then Day 7 hit, and the doubting began. Day 7 was completely disasterous because I broke the cardinal rule on the 2WW (that's infertility talk for "two week wait", the time in between the egg retrieval and finding out if it worked). The cardinal rule is this: Don't take a home pregnancy test. The doctor said that they are completely inaccurate because of all the medicines I've been taking. Regardless of if you get a positive or a negative, that means nothing and will only cause stress. But by Day 7, I was desperate, so I hid out in our guest bathroom (so that Forrest wouldn't know) and I took the test.

And it was negative.

I have been a nervous nilly ever since. Before the test, I had confidence and hope. After the test, a big part of me feels resigned that it's going to be "no". The whole time I was performing the test, I could hear God saying "NO NO NO, don't do this!" I know it doesn't really mean anything, but that doesn't change the fear that is now in my heart.

I'm now attempting to regain hope and confidence, and to claim this victory that God has given me. But now that I've tested and seen, it's hard to go back.

I'm writing all of this because I just got off the phone with my sister L who suggested I start a blog. She knows I'm discouraged but doesn't know why. She is supremely hopeful that I am pregnant right now. She has kept a blog ever since her first daughter was born, and it has been such a joy to all of us to get to read it and see pictures of her daughters. She said I should start one tonight because it would be nice for the first entry to be of me "not knowing".

So, I'm starting this blog. It might just be one post, because tomorrow I may find out that I'm not pregnant. But there's also the chance that tomorrow I find out that I am pregnant. This could be the start of years of blogging about my precious baby.

To you, blogging universe, I'll commit to updating this tomorrow, Day 9 and posting the result.

To you, dear God, I am in a bad place, and I know you know it. My heart is breaking because I took that test and now I'm discouraged. Lord, I know that you are in control of this whole process and this could very well be the eve of some very exciting news. You could be revealing more of your plan to us. Regardless of the outcome, I know you'll be revealing a bit more of your plan. I'm so hopeful that the plan intails me being pregnant RIGHT NOW with our first baby. However, if the plan is that there will still be more waiting than I desire, please give me peace about that too. I trust you with my family, and I trust you'll do the best for me. Just help me accept your plan, whatever that may be.

And Lord, if you see fit to give me a miracle, please make me pregnant.

Lord, please heal the infertility of the people on my list. You know who they are. Ease their pain in the wait, and give them confidence in the plans you have for them.